This week sees the release of The Fate of the Furious, the eighth insane installment of a huge franchise many considered once dead and dated by around 2006.
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Alongside fast cars and Vin Diesel, something that’s synonymous with these movies is their noble refusal to adhere to any kind of logical naming scheme whatsoever. The Fast and the Furious works just fine. 2 Fast 2 Furious? That one makes sense. Fast and Furious, meanwhile is the FOURTH movie in the set, presumably as a result of a meeting between Universal execs and Sean Parker. Then you’ve got Fast Five, which, fine, drops the Furious, but at least you’ve got the proper number in there, even if you dropped some words. THEN we go back to Fast and Furious 6. Then, in an act of what I can only assume is sneering malice, we drop the FAST for the seventh installment, Furious 7.
Fate of the Furious is a good title (F-eight, get it?). But once again, and perhaps forevermore, there’s no set precedent for what any of these goddamn movies could possibly be called. Here’s a stab at the next twenty years of The Fast and The Furious movies, and where they can possibly go to top The Rock literally throwing a missile at a group of cars.
2019:The Fast and the Furious: Nine Lives
It’s about time we bring back the “the”s.
Dominic Toretto has retired from cars ever since the trauma of turning his back on family, and now raises show cats (all of them named Brian). An unexpected terrorist attack at “Meet the Breeds” forces his hand, and he must once again assemble the team.
2022:Fas-Ten Your Seatbelts
Since Fate, puns are no longer off-limits.
After a job gone wrong leaves Austin, Texas, in ruins, Han Seoul-Oh, who miraculously survived his presumed death in Tokyo Drift, returns to teach the gang proper driving safety and etiquette. Lots of shots of The Rock squeezed into a little Driving School desk, rolling his eyes every time Toretto raises his hand.
A Logan-esque, minimalist character study. Dominic Toretto and Letty have gone into hiding, and run a small drive-in theater in Bar Harbor, Maine. One night, it’s not just paying customers who take advantage of “driving in”…
The original team avenges the “new class”, who get slaughtered within the first five minutes by new franchise villain Kieran Culkin, whose character is named Vin Diesel.
2025:The Fast and the Furious: Tune Up
A musical that also introduces a new class of drivers. Everybody hates this movie.
The original team gets back together to avenge the new class, who are slaughtered within the first five minutes of the movie by new franchise villain Kieran Culkin, whose character is named Vin Diesel.
2031:Fast and Furious: The Sky’s the Limit
The age of the flying car is upon us. Dominic is horrified, having just refurbished his 1970 Dodge Charger from the original movie, preferring to stay on the ground. Tej Parker (Ludacris) attempts to recreate Amelia Earhart’s route over the Pacific, and himself goes missing. Toretto is forced to put wings on his beloved Charger to solve the mystery once and for all.
2032:The Fast and the Furious: Riding Seoul-Oh
A Han origin story. Very boring.
In a Furious 7 homage, CGI Paul Walker is brought back Rogue One-style. It is decried as tasteless and unethical. Also it’s 2034 now and a lot of people don’t even know who he is anymore.
2037:The Fast and the Furious: Off Ramp
The final chapter, because, Christ, it’s 2037 and Vin Diesel is now 69 years old. The Rock left the franchise after the flying car one to make a Scorpion King reboot. Luke Evans from Fast and Furious 6 comes back as the villain but no one remembers him.
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