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Jason Sudeikis leads an all-star cast through a movie that hits every square on the Lazily Conceived Family Cartoon bingo card

In 1985, the movie version of “Clue” was released, and there was predictable teeth-gnashing among critics over the blasphemy of making a feature film based on a board game. But as “Clue” co-star Michael McKean noted years later, “There’s a very good movie called ‘The Set-Up,’ Robert Wise boxing picture, which is based on a poem that’s barely one page long about a boxing match. You could make a good movie, or a sh-tty one, based on anything.”

So let’s be clear, then: “The Angry Birds Movie” isn’t pointless because it’s based on an app. It’s pointless because it’s pointless.

And if we’re supposed to forgive this brightly-colored and loud affair because it’s aimed at children, then good luck to parents who have to explain lines like “Pluck my life,” to say nothing of a resolution in which rage-fueled violence and destruction solves all dilemmas.

(This film also has some sort of tie-in happening with the United Nations’ global sustainability efforts, a strange choice given that the story is about how visitors who are different than you are literally only interested in stealing your babies and eating them.)

None of the birds here can fly, but that doesn’t seem to be a problem, since they all live on an island that they think is alone in all the world, and they feel secure because the legendary Mighty Eagle is watching over all of them. Mighty Eagle may be about the only thing left that Red (voiced by Jason Sudeikis) believes in, but then, as an orphan, he never had parents to tell him that the big bird is probably a myth. (A jumbled series of flashbacks under the opening credits show Red hatching in a Lost and Found.)

As one of the island’s few non-complacent birds, Red’s temper constantly gets him into trouble, with pompous Judge Peckinpah (Keegan-Michael Key) ultimately sending him off to an anger-management course taught by Matilda (Maya Rudolph). His classmates include Bomb (Danny McBride), who can literally explode, although he doesn’t harm himself; motor-mouthed, hyperkinetic Chuck (Josh Gad); and behemoth bird Terence, who only grunts. (The grunting makes this a Method actor’s dream gig, so it’s no surprise they cast Sean Penn.)

When some green pigs, led by Leonard (Bill Hader), come ashore in full we-are-your-friends mode, Red is the only one who’s suspicious, but since he’s already a pariah, no one pays any attention. Red travels with Chuck and Bomb to find Mighty Eagle (Peter Dinklage), but in true “Wizard of Oz” fashion, supposedly all-powerful recluses usually aren’t much help. It’s not until the pigs enact their horrible scheme that everyone looks to Red and his fury for guidance, leading to a third act that is, I imagine, where the movie starts reenacting the game. (Never played it; more of a Candy Crush Soda Saga guy myself.)

“The Angry Birds Movie” basically hits all the squares on the Lazily Conceived Family Cartoon bingo card, from a tsunami of pop culture references (the ones that touch upon “Fifty Shades of Grey” and “The Shining” are presumably meant to keep parents awake) to some of the most obvious pop song choices ever, up to and including Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

Writer Jon Vitti (a TV vet whose big-screen work runs the gamut from “The Simpsons Movie” to “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel”) never takes the leaps and bounds with the material that made “The Lego Movie” so beloved by so many; unlikely source material is no excuse to make a film that’s so patently by-the-numbers. Even though directors Clay Kaytis and Fergal Reilly (two first-timers with lengthy animation credits between them) make this world lush and colorful, the frantic pacing doesn’t help. Nor does the next-level scatology – in addition to the usual fart and butt jokes, we get a urination gag that includes visible urine. Again, have fun, mom and dad.

A screenwriter friend tells an anecdote about a colleague of his who went in for a studio pitch meeting, only to be told that the company was less interested in storytelling than in brand management. “The Angry Birds Movie,” and Sony’s announced/threatened upcoming “Emojis” cartoon, represent game-changing triumphs for marketers and accountants everywhere. As for moviegoers, we’ve just been encouraged to spend 90 minutes playing with our phones instead.

TheWrap’s film critic Alonso Duralde rates all the animation studio’s features, placing this week’s “The Good Dinosaur” in the top half

Ranking Pixar movies is like picking your favorite Beatles song or Godiva chocolate flavor. One person prefers “Help!” to “A Day in the Life,” or a dark chocolate truffle to a raspberry nougat, and who’s to say who’s right? With the studio’s 16th feature, “The Good Dinosaur,” opening in theaters this week, TheWrap’s film critic Alonso Duralde stacks Pixar’s offerings from favorite to least. 1. Toy Story 3 (2010) Andy goes off to college and must leave childhood, and its playthings, behind. An exciting and funny meditation on death and growing up and I’m going to need a handkerchief now.

2. The Incredibles (2004) Probably the greatest superhero movie ever made that’s not based on pre-existing characters from another medium, and better than almost every other superhero movie, period. Brad Bird’s attention to character detail and freedom with gravity would serve him well later as the director of the live-action film “Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol.”   3. Toy Story 2 (1999) Wherein we learn that toys need to be taken out of their mint packaging and loved if they’re to be truly happy. And that a Sarah McLachlan song about a doll who misses being cared for by her owner can reduce grown men to sobbing.   4. Finding Nemo (2003) Albert Brooks and Ellen DeGeneres have the precision timing of a vaudeville comedy duo as two tiny fish who brave the big, wide ocean to rescue a missing youngster. This parable about the push and pull of parent-child dependency offers some of Pixar’s finest blending of adventure and comedy.   5. Toy Story (1995) The one that started it all and kick-started a whole new way of making cartoons. Its characters became instant icons while its gleaming surfaces changed animation more than any other single movie since “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

6. Inside Out (2015) An 11-year-old girl’s brain becomes the backdrop for another hair-raising adventure, as her emotions fight to find balance during a rough patch in her life. No shortage of jokes and excitement, and early screenings have seen crusty film critics openly weeping in their seats.   7. The Good Dinosaur (2015) Even though this tale of evolved, agrarian dinosaurs unpacks the ever-popular dead-parent plot twist in the first act, it offers up both laughs and tears. Frightened, awkward dino Arlo (Raymond Ochoa) travels home through a savage landscape with the helpful accompaniment of a feral boy named Spot (Jack Bright), who generally behaves like a dog, in a movie where the stakes are slighter but the character bonds are nonetheless rich. 8. Brave (2012) Despite a rough production, this saga offers us Merida, one of U.S. animation’s most self-assured characters, who refuses to be married off by her father as though she were your run-of-the-mill princess. Merida’s skill with a bow and arrow made archery look even more appealing than Jennifer Lawrence does in the “Hunger Games” movies.   9. WALL-E (2008) The first half or so of this ecological fable – a silent comedy about the titular robot tidying up an abandoned earth and longing for love – is Pixar’s greatest achievement. Unfortunately, it gets dragged down by a lot of loud chasing in the second half.   10. Ratatouille (2007) Follow your bliss, says this entry, even if you’re a sewer rat who wants to be a gourmet chef. It’s lovely, and its ending will be forever cited by critics of every medium, but some screenwriting contrivances make it good-but-not-great Pixar.

11. Up (2009) Like “WALL-E,” this movie opens with a chunk of filmmaking perfection as we get to know the life, and losses, of our elderly hero. But while there’s nowhere for his balloon-festooned house to go but up, there’s nowhere for the movie to go but down after such an auspicious beginning.   12. Monsters University (2013) This colorful prequel, featuring Mike (voiced by Billy Crystal) and Sully (John Goodman) as college freshmen, plays like a G-rated “Revenge of the Nerds,” and that’s mostly a good thing. Is this the first kids’ movie to suggest that higher education isn’t necessarily for everyone?   13. Monsters, Inc. (2001) The things that go bump in the night are just doing their jobs, collecting the screams of boys and girls to power their monstrous alternate dimension. Leave it to Pixar to turn childhood terror into something fuzzy and huggable while also sneaking in a metaphor about over-reliance on fossil fuels.   14. A Bug’s Life (1998) Back in 1998, the second Pixar feature was racing to the big screen against the thematically similar “Antz.” Neither has achieved iconic status, notwithstanding the “Bug’s”-themed kiddie area of Disneyland. The film does provide memorable voice roles for “The Ref” co-stars Denis Leary (as a manly-man ladybug) and Kevin Spacey (scaring the little ones as an ant-exploiting grasshopper).   15. Cars (2006) Never underestimate little boys and their love for automobiles. This brightly colored but dramatically flat tale is most enjoyed by a) male moviegoers who b) saw it before they turned 10 and c) have no idea that it tells virtually the same story as the Michael J. Fox comedy “Doc Hollywood.”   16. Cars 2 (2011) “They should let people see the movie for free,” one pundit opined, “since Disney will make all their money back on the bedsheets.” Some of Pixar’s best movies are sequels, but this follow-up to an already inferior studio entry seemed like nothing but a craven bid for more merchandising money. The results were good for shareholders but middling for moviegoers.

TheWrap Summer Movie Preview 2015: “Mission: Impossible 5,” “Entourage,” “Mad Max: Fury Road” also among season’s big releases

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